Were you scarred for life?

I had a pretty interesting conversation with a patient today. She was giving me all the information about her grandson, who she had custody of. I mentioned, as I always do whenever a grandparent is raising their grandchild, that I was raised by grandparents too. Now this lady, lets call her Mrs. Smith (because I can't remember her real name) asked me a question that I was unsure how to answer. She asked me if I was scarred for life because of it. I was literally stunned to silence. How to I tell this completely stranger, that yes, I was scarred for life. But not because I lived with grandparents. But that I felt like my biological parents never wanted me, never cared. I have since learned that there were more attempts to keep me then I knew about. Nonetheless I was scarred from it. I was scarred when my grandfather(who I called Dad) told me I wouldn't be any better then my biological mother(Dana). I was scarred when I saw my grandmother(mom) beat my brother, or beat me. I was scarred when I heard that Dana kept my little brother. What was so wrong me, that she didn't want me? I was scarred by how strict my grandparents were. I was scarred by the fact that I went years not knowing who my real father was. I was scarred when I got beat with flashlight, or when I had to call the bus station to see how much a ticket would cost to go back to Dana.

So yes, living with grandparents forever scarred my life. But I don't know Mrs. Smith's situation. I could hear in her voice what answer she wanted. So I told her, no... I wasn't scarred. My life was always different, but it made me who I am today. I told her that I didn't get to do what all the other kids did, she laughed and said , yea grandparents get tired allot faster. I told her that of course every situation is different. But that in the long run, no matter what her grandson would be grateful. She said, I hope so, God Bless Grandparents.

Now those words sends a chill down my spine. Because yes, in most cases, God Bless Grandparents. But I can not tell you how many times I heard that saying from people around us. I remember getting so mad, how can God bless someone who beats a child, or calls them names, or constantly makes fun of them. It just never made sense to me. But then again, all they saw was that my grandparents made the sacrifice to raise us.

Even after all is said and done, and I think about all of this. I miss my mom and dad alot. They were mean, awful people at times. But I still loved them. And yes, Mrs. Smith I was scarred for life. Hopefully your grandson isn't, but he will survive if is. A quote that I love is, that scars are not just reminders of the bad things, but to show us how strong we really are. My scars although all internal are constant reminders of who I don't want to be, and who I have become.

Sorry about the sad post. But speaking with her just brought back a string of emotions. I have really been missing my parents lately. I don't know if it's the holidays, or the fact that I have this new life that I wish they knew about or what. But this year has been really hard for me. I still get so mad at my parents sometimes, other times I would give anything to see them.

Again sorry about this sad post, a happy one will follow soon!




Till Next Time~
Carla Rae